There are tons of rules and regulations on the Coachella website.
Some of these rules are easy to remember (no guns!) and some of them are totally new (micro-chipped wristbands not tickets). We’ve got the breakdown on some of the things you should and shouldn’t do to make sure you have the fun you definitely should be having!
Rule #1: Don’t Bring Anything That Could Be Used For Murder, Torture, Getting Ridiculously High, Make You Look Like A Moron Or Will Save You Money
If you don’t know what you can murder with that’s things like guns, knives, chains, machetes, grenades, or whatever can be used as weapon. Which is basically anything, but the Coachella security is going to assume you are smart enough not to get creative with a fresh, young coconut.
If you don’t know what you can torture with it’s things like blankets, video cameras or professional cameras to document scandalous moments…or instruments of any kind. Also, why are you paying a million dollars to go to a music festival to sit around and play your own instrument? The mind does not comprehend.
If you don’t know what can get you ridiculously high, keep it that way. Hugs not drugs. But if you like hugs and drugs, you better stick with hugs, but try to wear a long-lasting deodorant.
If you don’t know what will make you look like a moron, that is BRINGING A STUFFED ANIMAL TO A FESTIVAL. How is that awesome or going to get you laid, even if you do stuff it with “goodies?” It’s a stuffed animal. Have some integrity.
If you don’t know what would save you money, that is your own food and drink. Because, you could sneak vodka in a shampoo bottle and have enough money for gas home. Or, you could buy really expensive vodka on the campgrounds and become a hobo. Or you could not drink alcohol and maybe not get heat stroke from dehydration.
Rule #2: You Will Not Pass Go If You Are Not Wearing A Super-Fancy Microchipped Goldenvoice Wristband
Gone are the days of tickets which can be sold directly outside of the gates of the venue. Gone are the days when you could pass your ticket off to your friend or lick a stamp on your hand or somehow buy that stamp at a special Coachella office superstore. No, now you will be microchipped like an animal.
If you get super drunk and decide to really be an animal and rip it off with your teeth, you are basically screwed. We don’t know what that means for showers, pool parties, living life of any kind, or recreational sado-masochism, so you are better off not bathing and keeping your sex life totally vanilla.
Also, get this: You can’t get anywhere near the festival grounds without your wristband. For example, your mom can’t drop you off so you don’t have to look for parking. Sorry–those are the rules.
If you think about it, that kind of makes it awesome for those who actually spent all their money on their Coachella wristband. You don’t want to deal with extra traffic or scalper shenanigans.
Rule #3: Plan Everything Ahead. Everything. EVERYTHING.
Carpool. It’s smart.
Organize your bag with sunscreen, an empty water bottle for hydration, a cell phone charger, cash and a credit card, whatever medications you may need, emergency numbers, first aid, the whole nine yards. Going to Coachella to listen to the music is fun, but sometimes it can feel like you are living in the middle of the Sahara desert, except without a tent and a camel to ride on.
Plan a place to meet your friends if you lose them. Wear something coordinating. Develop an awesome whistle. Or a dance. Or a code word.
Make everything as easy as possible for everyone around you–mostly yourself.
Rule #4: Eat & Drink & Please Try Not To Die
This should seem simple. Common sense. Human biology. We eat, we drink, we be merry. We keep on living. It’s a well-perfected system.
You are going to walk miles and miles around the Coachella fairgrounds. I don’t care what you think you need–I am telling you that you need water and calories. Calories that aren’t vodka-spiked iced lemonades. Hydration that isn’t a mist tent and some beer. Real water.
And, we know saying not to do drugs is like telling hormonal high school students to practice abstinence, so no matter what you do, please remember your limits.
Rule #5: Don’t Be Mean Or Dumb
Everyone is going to Coachella to have a good time. Maybe they are a pretentious hipster, or a simple jock, or a leggy model, or a surfer bro, or a neon-swathed raver, or a ganja burner, or a just another typical rock lover, like you.
Keep this in mind: Almost everyone paid for their ticket like you, and even if they didn’t, what does it really matter?
Maybe people will be super hot and get cranky; maybe people will take too many drugs and cause a scene. In the pits, people will definitely push to see their favorite musicians. In lines for food, dehydrated girls will make snarky remarks. In lines for the bathroom, drunk people might have “accidents.”
No matter what happens at Coachella, no matter how hot it gets or who is bothering you, keep a cool head. Pace yourself, take care of yourself, and be conscientious enough to take care of any people around you who may need your help.
And most of all, have fun!