This past September, current K-pop sensation Psy famously promised to perform topless if his viral hit “Gangnam Style” ever hit Number One on the Billboard chart. While Adam Levine and Maroon 5 have somehow kept the dance phenomenon cooling his jets at Number Two ever since with the song “One More Night,” Psy went ahead and displayed his exhibitionist side when he “treated” his Korean fans by going topless during a performance in Seoul earlier this month anyway (Oct. 4).
Seeing Psy’s pasty chub rocking that stage was enough to ignite the peanut gallery into commenting on the possibility of a Psy sex tape, which was quickly deemed as something no one would ever want to see. When the mental image was made even worse with the suggestion of a Psy/Taylor Swift sex tape, we wandered over to the “What If?” machine to compute five more things that would never happen, mostly because no one would ever want to see them. Like, never ever.
5. Kanye West Joins Cannibal Corpse to Form Death-Metal Super-Group - The Kanye West we love – the one known for lambasting American presidents on live TV when he wasn’t snatching mikes from Taylor Swift – is gone, replaced by the softer, gentler version Kanye, thanks to him being crazy in love with reality star Kim Kardashian. When even West realizes that he’s become too boring for South Park parodies, he’d go to an extreme to prove that he’s still the wildest man in music, like hooking up with death metal legends Cannibal Corpse to re-record the eternally shocking Tomb of the Mutilated album.
4. The Nicki Minaj A Trois with Mariah Carey and Stevie Nicks – They were the shots heard around the world when pop stars and fellow American Idol judges went off on each other during show auditions in Charlotte, North Carolina earlier this year. The drama got ratcheted up even higher when legendary Fleetwood Mac vocalist and notoriously cranky Stevie Nicks added her two cents to the fight, telling The Daily that she “would have walked over to Nicki and strangled her to death right there” if the flamboyant “Starships” singer had ever addressed her in a similar manner, adding, ”I would have killed her in front of all those people and had to go to jail for it.” Although Nicks has since apologized, and Carey and Minaj seem to be peacefully co-existing, it’s safe to say that a steamy three-way between the vocal superstars would never go down.
3. Metallica Teams Up With Deadmau5 and goes EDM – These heavy metal icons are known for losing the plot and veering off the reservation into dubious musical collaborations, from going orchestral (the S&M album) to hooking up with art-rock legend Lou Reed for the universally panned Lulu full-length). All of which makes the idea of the metal masters trading in their Marshall stacks for samplers and drum machines not as insane as it might sound. OK, it is. Still, the thought of Lars Ulrich waving his arms in the air to a dance beat while wearing a giant mouse-head is pretty awesome. Deadmau5 would do it in a second, if only to impress his rocker girlfriend Kat Von D.
2. Adele/Octomom Mud-Wrestling Battle – Literally the most popular recording artist of the past few years (her second album, 21, has sold nearly 10 million copies in the U.S. alone), zaftig singer Adele isn’t exactly on top of many bikini-babe-populated hot lists. While she has famously proclaimed not to care about her size (or the world’s reaction to it), we have a hard time even imagining her indulging in such crass activities as mud-wrestling. The idea is made even worse by adding aspiring porn star Nadya “Octomom” Suleman into the muddy mix.
1. Nirvana Reforms With Kurt Cobain Hologram – Few rock icons of the modern rock era are as revered as the late frontman of the pioneering Seattle power trio. His legacy as one of his generation’s most important songwriters, few things would induce the wrath of his devoted fan base than resurrecting Cobain as a hologram a la Tupac Shakur during Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg‘s rapturously received set at the 2012 Coachella music festival. Thankfully, both surviving Nirvana members Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl are far too sensible to ever entertain anything so sacrilegious.
– Scott T. Sterling, CBS Local